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Kim: Been There Done That

September 2nd, 2014 No comments

link Jennifer Lawrence Nude Photos Leak: Ariana Grande, Kirsten Dunst also Exposed | Variety.

Finally, some real news.  Although, as the old saying goes, this story is worthless without pictures.  It appears that ‘celebrities’ are shocked and indignant that nude photos of themselves have been hacked from their computers and cell phones and distributed to the full view of the public.  We don’t mean to sound callous; I suppose I would be aghast if birthday suit images of me were circulating around cyberspace.  Except for the fact that there aren’t any.  Even if there were, I’d be horribly embarrassed because of the remarkable resemblance to Pee Wee Herman.

In the case of the various ‘celebrities’ offended by the invasion of privacy, isn’t being naked or near naked part of the stock in trade of the business they’re in? In addition, they generally look good naked, unlike the mass of the oglers out here who can only look upon their images with leering envy.

“But it’s a privacy issue!” someone will exclaim indignantly, “People have the right to have their personal images kept private!”  Yes, that’s all true….in the theoretical fantasy land that most of these people inhabit.  In that world, no one should lie, steal, cheat at cards, or throw cigarette butts from cars.  In that world, only organically, sustainable chickens are eaten, toilet seats are always down and the minimum wage is $15 per hour for the poor folk.

No one finds it strange that people who cultivate their personal appearances as an integral, if not the only aspect of their livelihood are offended by people having glimpses of it?  This would be comparable to Al Gore getting all  upset about an image of himself with his mouth open.  In the case of Kate Upton or Jennifer Lawrence,  the 1% of their bodies that may be newly exposed to the public is hardly a big shock.   Celebrities are not the only ones guilty of naivete however when it comes to anything to do with cyberspace.  The very notion that images sent back on forth over the internet can be protected and private is as laughable as the notion of a no peeing section of a swimming pool.  Do people not understand that it’s geeks that created, populate and operate the internet?  Do they really think that geeks aren’t going to find ANY possible way to look at naked women?

Oddly still, many of these celebrities are more concerned about pictures of themselves, which may cause some embarrassment, but are not the least concerned about  making vapid utterances on weighty topics which will most certainly embarrass them.  Reality bites.

 

Now You Know

July 16th, 2014 No comments

link The 5 Most Dangerous Guns in America Pictures – Derringers | Rolling Stone.

It appears as if there’s an entire community of aspiring ASiF writers out there.  With so many true but bizarre events transpiring these days, it’s often hard to discern actual reporting from editorial from satire.  The classic Karl Marx quote is that history repeats itself first as a tragedy, then as a farce.

If the offerings of popular media are any indication of where we are in Marx’s continuum of history, then it’s likely culture and society have moved into the farce stage.  In a recent study by the Brookings Institution and the Public Religion Research Institute, Jon Stewart, the host of Comedy Central’s eponymously named show is considered a more reliable news source than MSNBC.  Of course that’s a low bar, but the implications of that are astounding.

On any given day in popular media, there’s always front page coverage of The Life Of Kim, the top 5 beach bodies, the top hunkiest actors, or the most recently rumored Apple device.  Media has become a resource for 12 year old girls.  Rolling Stone for years has tried to present itself as the cool rag of the leftist intelligentsia and in truth, they’ve had some good articles when Matt Taibbi was on board.  With this article on the five deadliest guns, they have truly jumped the shark and abandoned any pretense of intellectual reportage.

Fortunately, there seems to be a contingent of people out there who get it.  It is within the comments section to this piece where the most entertaining snippets lie.  Actually, there’s plenty of fodder there for future columns.  For those too lazy to click on the link, here are some real gems:

The 5 Most Dangerous Marx Brothers:
Groucho
Chico
Harpo
Zeppo
Karl

Five most common vehicles used by drunk drivers:
1. SUV’s.
2. Pick up trucks.
3. Sedans
4. Coupes.
5. Minivans

Five Most Dangerous Rock Bands

5) Rick Derringer
4) L.A. Guns
3) Guns ‘n Roses
2) Shotgun Messiah
1) The Beatles during the recording of “Revolver”

Five most dangerous seasons:
5. Rabbit Season
4. Duck Season
3. Rabbit Season
2. Rabbit Season
1. Duck Season….

And for the global warming crowd:

100% chance you will die if you drink water
100% chance you will die if you breathe Oxygen

We’re going to get these guys on staff.

 

Tiffany Men

July 1st, 2014 No comments

link Bachelorette Sneak Peek: Is Nick Playing Games? | Video – ABC News.

There has always been the long running debate about whether life imitates art or whether art is an accurate reflection of life.  Dear sweet Jesus, let’s hope that no one out there really thinks that shows such as The Bachelorette have even the most tenuous connection to reality.  The plotline of The Hobbit is more believable than the embarrassingly vapid plot lines in this series.

The premise of the show is that a multitude of ‘virile’ and eligible males vy for the attention and eventual heart and hand of a single woman.  To my knowledge, if this were to happen in real life, there would be appointments involved as well as hours of operation and state laws to consider.  As part of the TV program however, the heroine’s choice is aided by the characters being sent off to  exotic places, doing fun things and having deep meaningful conversations about professed love.  In other words, the gal may as well be dating 12 year old girls.

If a drinking game were to be created in which a shot of tequila is taken every time a version of the word ‘feeling’ is uttered, viewers would be slurring Spanish within the first half of the show.  This may be news to girls out there, but whenever most men use the f word; “feelings”, it’s either contrived for a TV show, or in the context of a horse that’s running in the third race at the local track.

Not that we aren’t romantics.  Just the opposite.  In real life, connecting with that certain someone is very difficult and elusive.  It could happen as a result of a brief glance across a crowded room.  It could be from an unexpected gesture.   It could be in the way someone carries themselves in stressful circumstances.

It is not, as portrayed by TV shows and modern culture, like choosing from a selection of coiffed men as if they were in a Tiffany’s jewelry case.  Despite the inexorable march of our consumer society which begets instant gratification and limitless comparison shopping, the connection between people is still based on good old fashioned chemistry.  It’s there or it isn’t.  If you have to go to Belgium, ride cable cars, skydive etc. etc. to uncover that chemistry, it ain’t there.  You don’t discover someone’s true character when things are good.  You discover it when things are bad.  The stuff on TV only guarantees that the characters will find fun playmates.